Positive

It's not often I know what is happening with my life but there are days when I am positive that God is present.

The Walk

The garden of Eden is an archetype for all who have lost, which is the whole of humanity.  To have is to lose, as to live is to die. Still, I envy Adam.  For though he lost Eden, he still had his Eve.

Alan Christoffersen's diary

Silence

It's not even that you're around. It's the chances I gave you, and the choices you made. Or didn't make. You say one thing, and do another. You want to be friends, but cut me off. I tried. So. Hard. Am trying. Am giving up. Am frustrated, mad, confused, angry, lost, upset. I honestly don't know how to act toward you. Do I keep up my charade of silence or do I continue to push you. I can't say.

I hate that you have control over my actions. It's been so long, I should be fine. But it's like I don't even have a say.

Mindless, Brainless, Robotic

I hate that it seems like somebody else always has control over me. My feelings, my thoughts, my emotions. I'm my own person, but yet...I can't react to people the way I want to. I know it's not a big deal, I know it's silly, but I can't stop the sinking feeling in my gut, the thoughts, the madness. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Logic tells me that I'm wrong, but my mind tells me that I'm upset. 

Be careful what you say. I don't want to be your robot.
Words have power.

Thanksgiving

I am thankful for family who accepts you even when you only eat plates of mashed posted for dinner. For friends who tell you you're beautiful when you're on day 6 of a crying streak. For hope for new beginnings. For the creativity of my dreams to remind me that, in fact, I do love my brother. For Walking Dead. For financial security. For time spent with those who are gone. For love.

I am so much to be thankful for. I should spend more time reminding myself of all I have. Live for today and be grateful for what you are blessed with.

Sigh

Another day. Another dream.

Gone

I can't tell if you're ignoring me or if you've changed so much I don't know who you are. I don't want to be clingy. I don't want to be annoying. But I want you to be around. At least to talk to. Where are my friends

Happy Birthday

To the one who has changed me in so many ways. To the one who made me laugh and smile on the darkest days. To the one who made me so much better than I am. You're amazing. You deserve the best and I hope you get it. Because you really do. I miss you. I love you.

Breathe

Change is good. So much to come. Laugh, love, live.

Letters

I've written what I consider to be an obscene amount of letters to you. Some are logical, some are persuasive, some are pathetic. But they have a common theme, sincerity. They all contain a certain element of truth, depending on my mood, my moment. 

I love you. I miss you. Please don't let go of this. If you do, everything we have is lost.

Relatively short. Relatively similar. Relatively lame. But somehow, through my persistence, I have at least managed to convince myself that I have something concrete. Something that will give your head a shake, and hear me out. And might actually save something of this dying thing.

I miss you. I love you. Stay.

Change

I'm working on it. I'm okay

Torn

I have to try so hard to not even talk to you.

All I want to know is how your day was. Do you like what I sent you? Do you miss me like I miss you?

I see you in everything. Oatmeal cream pies. I miss you.

♥

I miss you everyday.
It can only get better from here.

Darling

It gets better. I promise.

We'll be okay.

Wake Up Emmy

Bad days and good days. But I can do it.

So Short

I feel like the world's ending and I have to keep it a secret from my best friend.

Morning

The night is dark and scary but mornings are worse. I need help.

Sinking Ship

Everything hurts. Everything's dull. I can't get out of bed. I can't do anything of effort. I'm broken in half.

And it's your fault. Fix this. Fix me.

My Real Home is With You

Heartache.

I can do this. I can fix it. Let me try, oh God let me try.

Warm Dreams

And sometimes I read my own love notes to remind myself how much you are a part of me.

12:49 a.m.

You have an amazing talent. You can shatter my heart and fix it in a minute flat. I don't even know if you know you're doing it. All I ever wanted was to know you love me. Not even that I don't know, but a reminder time keep me going when the times are hard. A backbone. And maybe I'm not good at hinting, or maybe you're forgetful. But I never want to feel like you're leaving. You're all I've got. You're all I need. You're my medicine to mediocrity. Don't go.

Soul Meets Body

& then there are the days, when the world turns its back on you.

Sick

My heart hurts. Physical pain. So many things, rushing, pounding, swirling in my head. I cannot control them. Thoughts. I cannot stop them. I cannot understand them. But they hurt. 


Why? You have so much to live for. So much to see. You're a beautiful, shining star in the sky. Can't you see that? Can't you see how beautiful you are? I hope that something stirs in your soul, or has already. And you see how amazing you are. All you have to offer. The light that you are in the darkness. You didn't ask for it, you didn't deserve that which happened to you. But it did. And you are so much better than it. Don't be sad. Rise up. Fight. Fight for who you are. 


And you. You disgust me. I was so blinded by the past, so loyal to friendship. To the tie we had made. You've tested those bonds, and attacked them. Tried to see how far you could push it, stretch the limit, see the outside. And they broke. Shattered. A million pieces, impossible to repair. And I'm not the only one. How. How could you do that? A life was in your hands and you through it out the window. Do not look to me for help when the world turns its back on you.


And still, one more. One more thing to pull on a heart string. A liar. A cheater. HOW. After all you know, and everything that you've felt, how could you? I am in complete disbelief, and you turn a blind eye, like it's not your fault.


Lies and betrayal. My heart sinks. What is this for? What do you have if not your friends?

Reality Check

Sometimes it doesn't take much to realize what we value.


"When she awoke, the world was on fire."

Split In Half

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It hurts my heart more than you could possibly imagine to see you like this. I feel sick, I can't eat, I don't know what to do with myself. 


Darling, you are my life. You are what makes my world spin round. My sunshine in the morning and my moon at night. My shooting star, my lightning storm, my falling snow. Without you, my world does not exist.


Please forgive me. Forget the past, let's live today. Let's fly across the world and create adventures never heard of. Let's love each other until the sun goes down and the stars go out and everything ceases to be.

2am Love Notes

I love you, I love you, I feel incomplete when you're not around. To find what you were missing, when you didn't even know that you were missing it. That's what love is.


Did I tell you how much I love you today?

Soul Rising

My heart hurts, I forgot how it is to feel so miserable. Forgot? No. Repressed. In little more than months, time and time again, I have lost you. Three marks on a heart, thought to be made of stone. Yet each mark carved in as though it had been there from the start. And more to come. 


You want to think you can live forever, but then you remember, "you can't".


Three marks on a heart of stone. Even stone can bleed.

Bad Dreams

Wake me up.


Sometimes I want nothing more than to lay in bed, feeling nothing. I want to be numb. But you, you're a ray of sun on a cloudy day. You wake me up to happiness. Don't go.


You change my nightmares into fantasies.

Sorrow

My heart is with you. I dream of better times.

Skeletons in the Closet

There are moments sometimes, the more I get to know you, that I find things I didn't want to find. You're not the person I thought you were. And maybe you have things still to hide. 

It's okay darling, we all have skeletons.

Sleepy Eyes

I would stay up all night for you, just to be with you, just to see you.
And I would lie so I could stay forever.


Just let me be with you.

Gratitude

Happiness.


So happy. So blessed. 
I only have thanks.

Knock On Wood

I wish you peace. I wish you safety. I wish you calm throughout the storm. Please be okay.

To The Moon & Back

I know I can get angry.
I know I can be unreasonable and close-minded.
But when you hold me in your arms and kiss me over the fence you win me every time.

Silence

Just lying in the dark, listening to trains and imagining the sound of you sleeping beside me. Breathing. The soft rise of your chest. I could think of you for ages. And how you made me fall for you. With a bag of fries and a chocolate bar. And how I'd let you keep me forever.

Even the Broken Bits

"I can't wait to see what comes of us."

& I can't wait to be with you. Heart on heart, beating in time. Across miles of land, endless; anything farther than arm's length and I feel lost without you. Not empty, just missing a piece. Not sad, just longing for you. For your warmth, for your peace. It could take a lifetime to find someone, but it takes only seconds to realize you could never let them go. 

"All of you, with all of me."